Decentering Romantic Love Isn't about Rejecting It

About my take on the viral Vogue article, being called a ‘manhater’, and what decentering romantic love is really about.

Since I shared my take on the viral Vogue article by Chanté Joseph “Is Having A Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” I’ve been called a lot of things: ‘misandrist’, ‘man-hater’, ‘dumb’, ‘bitter’, and ‘unattractive’. Most assumptions don’t bother me. But there’s one thing I do want to clear up: decentering romantic love isn’t about rejecting it. It’s about finally taking it off the pedestal. About seeing love for what it really is. A state of being, not a relationship status.

My best friend and I are having a slow morning. Just after I get up and bring her a juice, a good friend of her boyfriend calls her up. He asks if she’s with him and she says no.

‘But she is with her wife!’ I scream while handing her the juice.

‘Is that paprika?’

She laughs. ‘Yes it is.’

‘Great, because I actually have this friend who has a crush on her...’ followed by a silence.

My bestie and I look at each other. ‘But?’

‘To be honest, he saw your opinionated videos on, well… men. So he’s not sure if you’re open to it.’

We start laughing. ‘If he actually watched her videos and read her articles, he’d know she’s not a man-hater.’

I smile at her. ‘Yeah, exactly. It’s not about hating men, my life is just no longer centered around them and their validation.’

First things first: what THAT Vogue article is really about

Yes, the title is provocative, but that’s the point. Good journalism doesn’t aim to comfort; it’s meant to provoke. What many dismissed as a man-hating article is actually about something much deeper. It doesn’t say love is embarrassing. Or having a loving, emotionally available boyfriend who makes you glow.

What is embarrassing? The reputation of men shaped by generations of emotional immaturity, made possible by their privileged position. The way many men still treat women? Embarrassing. The way so many women continue to settle for crumbs? Also embarrassing.

This article matters because it marks a cultural shift. What used to be seen as the highest achievement for a woman (read: being chosen by a man) is now starting to feel a little... cringe. That’s not regression. That’s progress. That’s the patriarchy starting to crack. And finally, it reframes the single woman not as someone to pity, but powerful.

Society hates opinionated women

Look, I’m not against the natural selection that’s happening on my socials because I’m speaking my mind more. I burst out laughing the other day when a female fitness influencer shared her secret to gaining more female followers instead of lustful men who are there for her nice ass. ‘Just start talking,’ she said. ‘Men hate it when women do that.’

And well, I can’t say I’ve had a different experience. Since I started yapping and writing more opinionated content, my audience has grown to more than 80% women. And men started hating on me in my comment sections. Getting triggered and unfollowing me. Next to that, I’m noticing a bunch of people (especially men) around me suddenly have an opinion about my content.

But as the iconic Mel Robbins says: ‘Let them.’ What somebody thinks or assumes about me is none of my business, it’s theirs. Whatever they see in me, they see in themselves. If other women think you have to stop dating men to be a good feminist, that’s fine. If men think I hate them just because I’ve decentered their attention in my life, that’s fine too.

My content and column aren’t for everyone. You don’t have to agree with it. But for the people that do, it has the potential to be empowering. That’s why I do it, because if you dare to look deeper into my message, you’ll see it isn’t about all these superficial things at all. It’s actually about loving even more. About being more open to love than ever. Just in a different way.

Why more women stay single

I’m never going to let my world revolve around a man or partner anymore who doesn’t add true value to my life. Which I can confidently say because I carry the frequency of love with me wherever I go. I experience it all the damn time, so why settle for something that’s less than that?

The harsh reality is that many men have got some serious healing to do in order to catch up to the level of emotional intelligence and regulation more and more women are at. So yeah, I do think there is a gap right now, and that’s why more ‘successful’ women are single.

It’s about the ability to choose

I will never shut up about this, but I highly believe we were taught that romantic love is the ultimate form of love, because of the patriarchy. A system built on the unseen emotional and physical labor of women. On marriage. On gender norms.

If all women would just focus on their so-called ‘primary’ tasks: finding a husband, carrying children, and playing house, the patriarchy stays intact. And a bit of a controversial opinion once again: so does capitalism.

This is all not to say there’s something wrong with being a stay-at-home wife or mom. Everyone should do what they want. But I would like to live in a world where women have a choice. And quite frankly, where men have that same choice without being called ‘a fake man’ or ‘weak’.

What often happens with these changes to systems of oppression is that we forget they are, in fact, oppressive. That is what we’re trying to change here. It’s not about wanting every woman to be a girlboss. Or not have a boyfriend. Or not have children. No, it’s about having the ability to choose.

So, call me any name you want. I know exactly where my heart lies, deeply in tune with the frequency of love. And to the friend on the phone earlier: yes, I’m still open to dating men. Just not the ones who don’t understand the layers and importance of my work. Not the ones who don’t support women in the fight against the patriarchy. Not the ones who think feminism is bullshit and the patriarchy is a myth. But any others? Send them my way. And if they fuck up, you know I’ll write a column about them anyway, to help crumble the patriarchy a little more. A win is a win.

Questions or want to chat about it? Leave a comment or send me a private message :)

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